Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
