I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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