he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.