Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.