I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.