There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
