I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He shit in the fireplace
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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