the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
