Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
