that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
