i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
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if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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