I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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