Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I could make wine with my vomit
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
