so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
