Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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