if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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