I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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