matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
