I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
