...so i touched it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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