So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
