low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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