Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
