I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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