I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
