This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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