how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
