your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The power of my boobs compel you
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
