Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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