I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
