hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
