I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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