i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
