When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
