I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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