ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My vagina just clenched in fear
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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