you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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