I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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