Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
