there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.