i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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