hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just took my morning after pill in the library
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
