Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This baby is an asshole
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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