giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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