Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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