Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
