I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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