I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
