omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower