Dignity is for republicans.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
