i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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