Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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