I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
