I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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