Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
