She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
