I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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