Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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