"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Pants are for mortals
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
