i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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