I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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