Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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